A Blurred Weekend in Somerset

A man is standing outside a station in the early evening sunlight, a slight breeze ruffles his cropped, now salt and pepper, hair, behind him thunderheads are building up over London. It is Richard the Quiet and he is waiting for Leadfoot; somewhere in the station behind him is the Captain living up to his name with a routine catharsis. They meet up and study the clouds, only to be interrupted by a rude shout from behind - Leadfoot has arrived.
This weekend Leadfoot has arranged to take a group of Amersham people to the Mendips for some caving and walking, himself, the Captain and, theoretically, Two Paths are to lead the intrepid band of virgins. The Footmobile II barrells west filled with the scurrilous details of Leadfoot's past for the benefit of Anona (a girl) even The Quiet feels impelled to speak. They arrive and meet up with various others in the New Inn, then Quiet and the Captain leave to put up the tent, they return to find Two Paths and the Acquirer. At the end of the evening the caving party arrange to meet at 11.00 on the green and Two Paths and the Acquirer arrange to meet between 10.30 and 12.00 on the green, at this point the Captain must have lost his presence of mind as he neglected to relieve Two Paths of all the gear required.
At 5.00 am a strange noise hovers over the tent for 5 minutes, at 6.00 it returns, Leadfoot sleeps through it and the next morning the Quiet and the Captain decide to ascribe it to an UFO as they can't think of anything else it could have been (apart from a slow microlight but thats far to dull, anyway Glastonbury is just down the road and everyone knows that was built by Saucerfolk [ an advanced class of the Beaker People]).
It is foggy, they go to Wells to hire their lights and buy some Mars bars for the novices, they then go for breakfast, as they walk into the cafe the jolly lady behind the counter says, "Oh are those for us?" "Ha Ha!" they reply dutifully little knowing the powers of prophecy bestowed upon these people by frequent contact with aliens. The Captain goes to get Leadfoot some money out as he finishes his tea (4838 for those that are interested). In the car on the way back to Priddy he notices a lack of something, there is much spluttering, "I was paying." "I was in the toilet"; back at the site he buys another 10 Mars bars.
They change and then stand around in the hot sun waiting for Two Paths, the Captain and Leadfoot self baste gently in their wetsuits. There is some discussion on the cave and the Captain announces that he thinks there will not be much water in it as Wells was dry, looking round the assemblage of anoraks, track suits, and sweatshirts he hopes this is true, they are indeed a motley crew. One of Two Paths party arrives, (Yes you guessed it, the presence of the Acquirer now means that he is doing "something else"), Two Paths doesn't. She leaves, he arrives, upon being asked what they have been doing he casts his eyes around to check safety and then growls, "Pissing around in Wells!", the Captain nods sagely, adjusts the belts of all the girls present, reads the guidebook, asks Two Paths, reads the guidebook and sets off over the fields to the cave entrance.
The stream can be heard hurling itself down the pot from 20 feet away, the Captain turns to address the cohort shouting above the throaty roar of descending water and then leads the way into the water park that is Swildon's Hole. The first bit of descent is met with screams as buttocks and breast encounter the stream way. They look for the Dryway but fail to spot it by two feet and slip down into the Wetway instead, there is more squeaking, especially at an awkward descent, where the Captain is forced to make a grab at everyone's chest (everyone's) to stop them going down a rift. Here there is a moment of mutiny as Rob refuses to sit down in the stream to slide, but eventually descends. It is at this point that DISASTER strikes, as he points the way down to the stream, the Captain's spectacles slide gracefully off the end of his nose, skillfully evade his outstretched fingers and dive into the torrent, there is much groping but they are destined to become an archaeological artifact; they continue, fuzzily.
The Captain is pleased at the grip that Leadfoot's trainers offer, he would have liked to be wearing his wellies but they are somewhat akin to Mars bars i.e. not easily remembered, though Leadfoot had considered taking them for Anona but decided against it on grounds of size. The Showerbath is a bit torrential promoting more squeaks and cooling people down. They decide to move on to the next fall and then return, the next fall is the Pitch and is covered with people, the cold is against them so they return Passing Two Path's party who join the queue for descent. The Captain ascends the Showerbath first and stems the flow with what later become known as his Golden Cheeks to allow the party to ascend one by one in comparative dryness. They return up the Dryway losing it only once and emerge into bright sunlight, everyone has enjoyed themselves, on being asked if they would do it again there is a majority yes reply, Leadfoot and the Captain look glum.
Then a walk, or mass trespass as it is better known, first to Deer Leap for the hazy view, then down the hill to Ebbor Gorge, sending up an adder which causes great excitement amongst the Irish contingent. Banks of primroses and violets are everywhere, it is Spring; on the random route back, Rob decides to demolish a wall and severely chastise some barbed wire with his fingers, the Captain reminds him it is Spring and suggests an anti-tetanus jab.
The pub, the Acquirer drinks a bottle of red wine, a gin and tonic, Sinead and Maureen's lager she tries to persuade Two Paths to go caving, fortunately he declines. Sunday a disparate group meet and faff, they faff a bit more and then go in convoy to Cheddar where they faff. Eventually they climb up a 'path' that has notices at the bottom that say "Do not climb here." and at the top have notices that say "Do not descend here", after Gary kicks off the first avalanche the party rapidly splits into two (actually three) The top party descend to Cheddar, the bottom party sit in the sun and read papers, the othr party (Rob) ascends to the top but turns uphill to the head of the gorge, he is eventually found. Faff. A trip throught the countryside to a lunch pub. Faff. Slit and decamp. Meet in Wells where Leadfoot sufffers the indignities of the tea ladies as he recovers the Mars Bars. Tea and then home to Anonas followed by a curry of average quality in (apparently) the wrong restaurant. Home to the Footpad.