A girl, no a woman*, is sitting on a railway platform, a cool breeze ruffles her light brown hair, partly covered with her angora cap, and cools the cup of early morning coffee clasped in her hand. Her fleece chimes nicely with the red of the Derbyshire brick, for we are at St Pancras: built of bricks from Derbyshire under the instruction of the Prince Consort in an attempt to shake up the parochiality of the Londoner - it failed. It is Liz, and she is frowning, she is frowning as she has just seen the Captain emerge from the top of the staircase, the bright red blazon of effort on his cheeks contrasting nicely with the bright red of the waterproof he is sporting....Emerge from the top of the staircase and promptly disappear, "Why?" Why, for he has been told to that Liz is at a cafe opposite the champagne bar, the longest champagne bar in Europe, and he is checking out the first, of three, cafes opposite it. Eventually he spots her, they ply themselves with diuretics and mount the 9.55 to Sheffield.
Liz and the Captain are off for an extended Easter Break in the Peak District, Liz has been given husbandorial permission to assist the Captain as he perambulates from Youth Hostel to Youth Hostel, in his dotage.
After an uneventful trip they mount the rattler to Manchester and decamp at Grindleford (site of a famous Greasy Spoon last visited by the Captain in the 70's), where they start up the Derwent Valley to Hathersage. Liz eyes the mud, the puddles, the water running off the hillsides, and her fabric boots, fond memories of wellies frolic through her mind like a lamb through clover, neither of which are visible. What is visible is the snow on the hillsides and the tips of bluebell spears struggling through the mud in the woods.
When they arrive at Hathersage they are greeted by the whiff from a bank of wild garlic and a stab of icy rain, what they are not greeted by is the appearance of the Youth Hostel. Liz recommends a path up the hill which they take, up the hill, still no Hostel. The Captain stops a dog with a girl attached, and asks, she directs them down the hill to the Ecology Centre. After a few more moments they find the butchers, through a farmhouse door the butchers are visible trimming a beef carcase in the back of the shop.
"Hello, I'm going to ask you a question that you've probably been asked a hundred times."
"What's that then?"
"Where's the Youth Hostel?"
"No, I've never been asked that before. It's....."
By this time Liz has spotted the large "Youth Hostel 100yds" sign fixed to the lampost, and has started to snigger. They arrive, about 50m from where they ascended up the path, and find the Hostel shut, apart from the drying room, after dumping their packs they move on to the first coffee shop (of six) and have a cream tea - it is 2.30.
Slightly moribund they then explore the town, and the church featuring Little John's (he of Robin Hood fame) grave, it is nine feet (3M) long (and empty), and some 14th Century gargoyles. Liz is distressed by the Captain's cavalier attitude to the guide book for the church, i.e. to borrow it rather than purchase it, racked with Christian duty, she buys it and then carries it around the church unread. They return to "town" and mooch around the shops avoiding the showers. The Captain is delighted to find the Walnut Club Brassiere but discomfited by the thought of the "T" cup (they will in fact see a woman who may well use the Walnut Club Brassiere on the top of Mam Tor - no, it's true).
Finally they return to the Hostel and sign in, as Liz flashes the paperwork the Captain peruses the comments book and is met with a picture of lots of circles bearing the legend, in the shaky handwriting of an eight year old, "Looking down the Devil's Arse" he closes the book, "Better than up maybe." he thinks.
After sorting out, they sit in the lounge and watch TV - for the news - then, having asked, they set off for the Little John pub, now LJ's, where they find a wake, a wake that has been going on for some time, a wake where some of the celebrants have either, or will soon be joining, the wakee. They manoeuvre around the bar-holderoners, and peruse the pints, one local and three from down South. After that, there is a problem with the menu - it is too long. Eventually Liz plumps for the tuna and a suet pudding plumps the Captain both portions are huge. Eventually they retire back to the Hostel to digest, to be taught crib, and to attempt the descent into the arms of Morpheus, re-ascend into the kidneys of Dionysus, and finally get reacquainted with Morpheus, whom they greatly prefer.
The breakfast chef is very excitable, after sampling his coffee, Liz realizes why and leaving her coffee for the Captain (who has eschewed breakfast and is hoping to rely on ketosis) shifts to tea. Others arrive, and chef moves to new heights of bonhomie with the six year olds, "Do you want some hash browns, nothing like a bit of hash first thing in the morning. Who wants some arsehole wrapped in pigskin?" The children's concept of breakfast moves rapidly towards a bit of dry toast. Liz and the Captain leave, secure in the knowledge that he will crash by eleven.
Having previously determined that the stepping stones across the river will be a bad idea (they are actually one foot (30cm) underwater, they reverse reprise their route of the previous day back to the roadbridge, and then struggle along the riverside path. After an hour or two the small amount of coffee that the Captain has consumed makes its presence felt, such is its caffeinic potency, he sends Liz ahead, checks behind and finds a suitable wall. As he leaves, he looks across the river towards the cafe "boasting river view" that has just swum into focus behind the trees, "Ho hum".
They continue towards Castleton.... TOWARDS CASTLETON!
"Oh sorry, Got my roads confused a bit, let me just check the GPS, right! Back this way then, follow me."
Mam Tor swings snowily into view. On the trip they see mud, dippers, mud, lambs, mud, hardy souls and more mud. It takes four hours to do the seven miles (11.6km) to Castleton, fortunately the Hostel is open, so they check in, have a cup of tea, and move to the dorms. The Captain's room has a pair of "lads" in it, he keeps his fingers crossed - it doesn't work, the lads will re-emerge at 12 and 2 am - drunk.
After settling in the Captain meets Liz in the Quiet Room. Definition of the Quiet Room: Somewhere to dump the kids so that they can play giant Connect Four, or Jenga, or run riot and disturb people who are after a genuine bit of peace and quiet. Frowning works until a family of five arrive and scream. The Captain and Liz retreat to town for a bite of lunch, lunch which is late, heavy on cake and the wallet. Later after a snooze - in the Common Room which is devoid of people (who are all whooping it up in the Quiet room) dinner is declared, they trip down to the Cheshire Cheese which is promptly deemed to expensive, so they only stop for a pint. Then they return to The Castle where Kaylie manages to squeeze them in to a table reserved for four other people. This is an ongoing problem, starvation and boredom drive them out of the hostels at the same time as people are feeding their children - selfish bastards. Kaylie returns with menus, and Liz prepares to wince as the Captain revs up what he thinks is wit, and everyone else recognises as smart-alecry and pedanticism. The menu states "Please tell us if you have any allergies."
"Kaylie, I have to tell you that I'm allergic to guinea pigs!"
Wince.
"Oh, hahahah...." from Kaylie.
At this point Liz contemplates whether the Captain should have said he was allergic to human saliva. As they masticate their way through another pound (454g) or two (908g) of food they watch a father on the next table with three kids. The children start their meal, another punter drifts to the previously unnoticed sweet cabinet and starts shouting back the choice to his group. The children stop eating, the youngest declaring that, while he is full to bursting, that he thinks he could manage a bit of Rocky Road cheesecake. Pa watches Kaylie take away a large part of his income - uneaten and replace it with several things that will have the family bouncing off the walls for the next five hours, before being sick - or vic- versa.
After a last half in the George they return for more cribbage, first they have to combine the three decks of cards, defacing a few to make up a full set. Steam runs out, and, at eleven, they go to bed, the Captain stares gloomily at the bunk spaces where the "Lads" should be, they are empty. The room however is full of a fug of socks, and Lynx, quite a lot of Lynx. The Captain muses that, if their advertising has any value, scantily clad women will launch themselves across the breakfast table towards him every time he exhales.
12.10 am. Door bursts open slamming into end of bunk, resulting tectonic shift causing startling wakefulness in the Captain and superior bedfellow. Light turned on to wake others.
12.30 am. Door bursts open, Liz wakes up to find man in room, standing in alcoholic daze, she bundles him out and locks the door.
02.20 am. Door bursts open slamming into end of bunk, resulting tectonic shift causing startling wakefulness in the Captain and superior bedfellow. Bunk occupied.
07.00 am. Lad 2 arrives with attendant Totty for loud conversation. Everyone else gets up and leaves.
Over breakfast the "Lads" are mentioned to the staff with variable degrees of forcefulness by several different people. Amazingly, the staff decamp to evict the "Lads" plus Totty, though not without protest ("I don't know what the fuck you're on about mate!").
Slightly exhausted after two nights interrupted sleep, Liz and the Captain lurch up Cave Dale to emerge onto the lead-mine strewn plateau, as they plod along they become aware of a minor miracle, they can see their shadows! The afternoon continues sunny but with a vicious wind, they stop for a pee and a cup of tea (well a thin plastic vessel that is extraordinarily good at conducting heat into the fingers full of tea) before continuing down to Treak Cliff Cavern. Half mine half cave the cavern places the Captain firmly in spelio-/geological heaven, Liz however, is in Easter Egg hunt chocolate heaven, shouldering aside small children for not very cocoa-laden goodies, poorly hidden by a girl in a bunny suit (that's the full-body big ears and feet sort), soon they will both be in another cup of tea heaven. Treak Cliff boasts the largest chunk of Blue John in the World - it holds the roof up. Afterwards they stroll (squelch actually) into town for a sandwich from the grocery store, a pint in the Cheddar Cheese and an ice-cream from the sweet shop. Beer ice cream is advertised, it is flavoured with Pride of Sheffield but the shopkeeper does not know the brewery, mentally flipping through his arcania, the Captain volunteers that it may be Kelham Island (the only Sheffield brewery he knows - apart from Wards, Stones, Gilmours and Tennants - now defunct, oh, and Tomlinsons). On their way out they encounter a pair of Lad-embattled Hostellites on their way in. When the Captain encounters them later, and beer ice-cream is discussed, he will be told that it is Pride of Sheffield from Kelham Island - according to the woman in the shop.
In the evening they once again arrive at the Castle ten minutes behind everyone else and so end up in the Nag's Head where Liz decamps to wine in an attempt to ameliorate nightime anxiety.
It is morning, the Captain has finished his breakfast, and has started to fret, eventually he goes and knocks on the door of Room 1.
"Hello?"
"Umm. Is Liz there?"
"She's still asleep."
"Come in."
"Oh, er, oh."
A duvet is sprawled across the bed, the Captain takes a finger and pokes what he hopes is a neutral part of Liz's anatomy.
"Mwah!"
"It's nine o'clock!"
"-----------"
Another poke.
"I'M AWAKE!"
"..... mmmm. You'll miss breakfast."
Ten minutes later she is there - in the flesh but not in spirit. An hour and a half later they leave and venture forth to the Farmer's Market (two butchers, two cake stands) and the sweet shop (for fruit liquorice). The weather is overcast with spits of icy rain, as soon as they leave the road it tries harder, forcing them both into the exquisite torture that is putting on overtrousers. As soon ("soon" here being a relative term, including hopping, banging elbows on dry stone walls and cursing) as they are on - it stops - naturally, c'est normal as they say in/en France. There is a moment's unspoken consultation - conclusion - "Bollocks to that for a game of soldiers!", and they continue, backtracking yesterday's route and then ascending Mam Tor via the erosion-dampening steps. At the summit, the Captain points to the weather tracking in from Kinderscout, a few moments later it hits them, 40+ miles per hour (64+ KPH) winds laden with fine rain and spiky hail. The Captain tries to see how many degrees of lean he can get, when he attempts the same leaning back into the wind he notices that his partner in crime has hit the deck, the gust has caught the sail of her pack and punched a large dint in her confidence. He hunkers and explains an old mountain man technique (the technique not the man), the problem with OMMT's is that is that they require the invasion of Liz's personal space, something that has only been successfully achieved by her husband. The Captain explains that in order to get out of the wind they will have to progress and that the best way to progress is to link arms, and battle forward, he assures her that while the view over the Derbyshire Dales from her personal ascent may be breathtaking, there will be considerably more breath taken from her on landing, and that it probably won't be returned. He also invokes the biscuits that are in her pack, and that can't be accessed until they are out of the wind, and the ridicule that she will be subjected to by hardy Northerners if she crawls. They link arms and ten paces later are in the lee of the slope, though it is still quite exciting to stick a stick above their heads to pick up the actual wind. There follows a squally procession along the ridge until they find a wall that is tall and sturdy enough to give cover for the biscuit stop. Then on to Back tor where they turn into the, now moderated, wind, descend to the valley bottom and the Youth Hostel at Edale.
The YH at Edale is not as nice as the one at Castleton, a spotty youth (whom the Captain will see later at the kitchen door in his Chef's duds having a quick break from culinary masterdom via a cigarette) signs them in . They ensconce and head off to the "town", only losing the footpath once (the marker was hidden behind the marker that said "Footpath"). Another Nags Head (1577) is full of families, they order a half of the 1577 (5.7% probably OG of 1057 a favourite brewers joke) for Liz, and a pint of Black (3.5%) for the Captain. Afterwards the Captain is convinced that the heads on the pumps were the wrong way round for when he staggers further into town looking for the other pub they find the Mountain Rescue team on their third call-out of the day, with them there is a rescue dog, one of those in-bred Border Collies that have thrown one blue and one brown eye. Having ascertained his nature, the Captain assaults him both physically and emotionally.
"Have you got a wall-eye, have you, have you? You have. Whose got a wall-eye? Yes, you have!"
Liz is both horrified and delighted: horrified as she can see the Captain on the wards,"Whose got diabetes? You have, yes you have!", delighted for she knows that she can, and will, use this against him for several months, probably at least ninety. "Yes, whose got rogue genes? Now then can you tell me where the other pub is?" The dog can't but it's bemused owner can, having ascertained directions they try it out, it is far superior to the first one, and features beers from Thornbridge Brewery, of which they have a small sample. They return to the Hostel for dinner, it is average (if that) but features Cauliflower and Broccoli soup, which appears to be what you get if you boil cauliflower and broccoli for too long.
A brief discursion into YH meals, why on earth, when people are sleeping in dorms, do you have cauliflower and broccoli soup, lentil cottage pie and vegetable curry?
The pair play some more cards and head off to bed.
The next day, and Liz has not booked breakfast, at breakfast time Liz wishes she had booked breakfast, so buys eggs, a tea bag and a loaf of bread, they give half of the loaf to some other kitchen users and receive a slab of moderately frozen turkey in return. After that they set off to walk to the station at Hope along the old Roman road route along the tops. This is a mountain bikers route and is full of pairs of mountain bikers, they always seem to come in pairs: Adonis accompanied by Bacchus. Adonis cycles past, "Good Morning! What a breezy day, do you think it will cheer up later?". Several minutes later and here come Bacchus, rubicund, blowing, hunched, "Ark!"
It's as if Adonis invited out his fat mate to make him look good - surely not.
At Hope, the tea shop is investigated for tea-cakes, they have some and some tea, then the station is investigated for trains, they also have some, finally Sheffield is investigated for pubs, a result, they have several, and the Station Tap is run by Thornbridge - hoorah!
On returning to London, there are no tubes, life has returned to normal.
* I'd just like to say that I was there when Liz became a woman, we were on a bike ride together and went past a family, one child turned to the other and said, "Did you see that woman on the bicycle?" the first time Liz had ever been addressed as anything but a girl (insults apart). She has moped ever since. "Whose a woman? You are, yes you are - a woman. Yes."
Liz and the Captain are off for an extended Easter Break in the Peak District, Liz has been given husbandorial permission to assist the Captain as he perambulates from Youth Hostel to Youth Hostel, in his dotage.
After an uneventful trip they mount the rattler to Manchester and decamp at Grindleford (site of a famous Greasy Spoon last visited by the Captain in the 70's), where they start up the Derwent Valley to Hathersage. Liz eyes the mud, the puddles, the water running off the hillsides, and her fabric boots, fond memories of wellies frolic through her mind like a lamb through clover, neither of which are visible. What is visible is the snow on the hillsides and the tips of bluebell spears struggling through the mud in the woods.
When they arrive at Hathersage they are greeted by the whiff from a bank of wild garlic and a stab of icy rain, what they are not greeted by is the appearance of the Youth Hostel. Liz recommends a path up the hill which they take, up the hill, still no Hostel. The Captain stops a dog with a girl attached, and asks, she directs them down the hill to the Ecology Centre. After a few more moments they find the butchers, through a farmhouse door the butchers are visible trimming a beef carcase in the back of the shop.
"Hello, I'm going to ask you a question that you've probably been asked a hundred times."
"What's that then?"
"Where's the Youth Hostel?"
"No, I've never been asked that before. It's....."
By this time Liz has spotted the large "Youth Hostel 100yds" sign fixed to the lampost, and has started to snigger. They arrive, about 50m from where they ascended up the path, and find the Hostel shut, apart from the drying room, after dumping their packs they move on to the first coffee shop (of six) and have a cream tea - it is 2.30.
Slightly moribund they then explore the town, and the church featuring Little John's (he of Robin Hood fame) grave, it is nine feet (3M) long (and empty), and some 14th Century gargoyles. Liz is distressed by the Captain's cavalier attitude to the guide book for the church, i.e. to borrow it rather than purchase it, racked with Christian duty, she buys it and then carries it around the church unread. They return to "town" and mooch around the shops avoiding the showers. The Captain is delighted to find the Walnut Club Brassiere but discomfited by the thought of the "T" cup (they will in fact see a woman who may well use the Walnut Club Brassiere on the top of Mam Tor - no, it's true).
Finally they return to the Hostel and sign in, as Liz flashes the paperwork the Captain peruses the comments book and is met with a picture of lots of circles bearing the legend, in the shaky handwriting of an eight year old, "Looking down the Devil's Arse" he closes the book, "Better than up maybe." he thinks.
After sorting out, they sit in the lounge and watch TV - for the news - then, having asked, they set off for the Little John pub, now LJ's, where they find a wake, a wake that has been going on for some time, a wake where some of the celebrants have either, or will soon be joining, the wakee. They manoeuvre around the bar-holderoners, and peruse the pints, one local and three from down South. After that, there is a problem with the menu - it is too long. Eventually Liz plumps for the tuna and a suet pudding plumps the Captain both portions are huge. Eventually they retire back to the Hostel to digest, to be taught crib, and to attempt the descent into the arms of Morpheus, re-ascend into the kidneys of Dionysus, and finally get reacquainted with Morpheus, whom they greatly prefer.
The breakfast chef is very excitable, after sampling his coffee, Liz realizes why and leaving her coffee for the Captain (who has eschewed breakfast and is hoping to rely on ketosis) shifts to tea. Others arrive, and chef moves to new heights of bonhomie with the six year olds, "Do you want some hash browns, nothing like a bit of hash first thing in the morning. Who wants some arsehole wrapped in pigskin?" The children's concept of breakfast moves rapidly towards a bit of dry toast. Liz and the Captain leave, secure in the knowledge that he will crash by eleven.
Having previously determined that the stepping stones across the river will be a bad idea (they are actually one foot (30cm) underwater, they reverse reprise their route of the previous day back to the roadbridge, and then struggle along the riverside path. After an hour or two the small amount of coffee that the Captain has consumed makes its presence felt, such is its caffeinic potency, he sends Liz ahead, checks behind and finds a suitable wall. As he leaves, he looks across the river towards the cafe "boasting river view" that has just swum into focus behind the trees, "Ho hum".
They continue towards Castleton.... TOWARDS CASTLETON!
"Oh sorry, Got my roads confused a bit, let me just check the GPS, right! Back this way then, follow me."
Mam Tor swings snowily into view. On the trip they see mud, dippers, mud, lambs, mud, hardy souls and more mud. It takes four hours to do the seven miles (11.6km) to Castleton, fortunately the Hostel is open, so they check in, have a cup of tea, and move to the dorms. The Captain's room has a pair of "lads" in it, he keeps his fingers crossed - it doesn't work, the lads will re-emerge at 12 and 2 am - drunk.
After settling in the Captain meets Liz in the Quiet Room. Definition of the Quiet Room: Somewhere to dump the kids so that they can play giant Connect Four, or Jenga, or run riot and disturb people who are after a genuine bit of peace and quiet. Frowning works until a family of five arrive and scream. The Captain and Liz retreat to town for a bite of lunch, lunch which is late, heavy on cake and the wallet. Later after a snooze - in the Common Room which is devoid of people (who are all whooping it up in the Quiet room) dinner is declared, they trip down to the Cheshire Cheese which is promptly deemed to expensive, so they only stop for a pint. Then they return to The Castle where Kaylie manages to squeeze them in to a table reserved for four other people. This is an ongoing problem, starvation and boredom drive them out of the hostels at the same time as people are feeding their children - selfish bastards. Kaylie returns with menus, and Liz prepares to wince as the Captain revs up what he thinks is wit, and everyone else recognises as smart-alecry and pedanticism. The menu states "Please tell us if you have any allergies."
"Kaylie, I have to tell you that I'm allergic to guinea pigs!"
Wince.
"Oh, hahahah...." from Kaylie.
At this point Liz contemplates whether the Captain should have said he was allergic to human saliva. As they masticate their way through another pound (454g) or two (908g) of food they watch a father on the next table with three kids. The children start their meal, another punter drifts to the previously unnoticed sweet cabinet and starts shouting back the choice to his group. The children stop eating, the youngest declaring that, while he is full to bursting, that he thinks he could manage a bit of Rocky Road cheesecake. Pa watches Kaylie take away a large part of his income - uneaten and replace it with several things that will have the family bouncing off the walls for the next five hours, before being sick - or vic- versa.
After a last half in the George they return for more cribbage, first they have to combine the three decks of cards, defacing a few to make up a full set. Steam runs out, and, at eleven, they go to bed, the Captain stares gloomily at the bunk spaces where the "Lads" should be, they are empty. The room however is full of a fug of socks, and Lynx, quite a lot of Lynx. The Captain muses that, if their advertising has any value, scantily clad women will launch themselves across the breakfast table towards him every time he exhales.
12.10 am. Door bursts open slamming into end of bunk, resulting tectonic shift causing startling wakefulness in the Captain and superior bedfellow. Light turned on to wake others.
12.30 am. Door bursts open, Liz wakes up to find man in room, standing in alcoholic daze, she bundles him out and locks the door.
02.20 am. Door bursts open slamming into end of bunk, resulting tectonic shift causing startling wakefulness in the Captain and superior bedfellow. Bunk occupied.
07.00 am. Lad 2 arrives with attendant Totty for loud conversation. Everyone else gets up and leaves.
Over breakfast the "Lads" are mentioned to the staff with variable degrees of forcefulness by several different people. Amazingly, the staff decamp to evict the "Lads" plus Totty, though not without protest ("I don't know what the fuck you're on about mate!").
Slightly exhausted after two nights interrupted sleep, Liz and the Captain lurch up Cave Dale to emerge onto the lead-mine strewn plateau, as they plod along they become aware of a minor miracle, they can see their shadows! The afternoon continues sunny but with a vicious wind, they stop for a pee and a cup of tea (well a thin plastic vessel that is extraordinarily good at conducting heat into the fingers full of tea) before continuing down to Treak Cliff Cavern. Half mine half cave the cavern places the Captain firmly in spelio-/geological heaven, Liz however, is in Easter Egg hunt chocolate heaven, shouldering aside small children for not very cocoa-laden goodies, poorly hidden by a girl in a bunny suit (that's the full-body big ears and feet sort), soon they will both be in another cup of tea heaven. Treak Cliff boasts the largest chunk of Blue John in the World - it holds the roof up. Afterwards they stroll (squelch actually) into town for a sandwich from the grocery store, a pint in the Cheddar Cheese and an ice-cream from the sweet shop. Beer ice cream is advertised, it is flavoured with Pride of Sheffield but the shopkeeper does not know the brewery, mentally flipping through his arcania, the Captain volunteers that it may be Kelham Island (the only Sheffield brewery he knows - apart from Wards, Stones, Gilmours and Tennants - now defunct, oh, and Tomlinsons). On their way out they encounter a pair of Lad-embattled Hostellites on their way in. When the Captain encounters them later, and beer ice-cream is discussed, he will be told that it is Pride of Sheffield from Kelham Island - according to the woman in the shop.
In the evening they once again arrive at the Castle ten minutes behind everyone else and so end up in the Nag's Head where Liz decamps to wine in an attempt to ameliorate nightime anxiety.
It is morning, the Captain has finished his breakfast, and has started to fret, eventually he goes and knocks on the door of Room 1.
"Hello?"
"Umm. Is Liz there?"
"She's still asleep."
"Come in."
"Oh, er, oh."
A duvet is sprawled across the bed, the Captain takes a finger and pokes what he hopes is a neutral part of Liz's anatomy.
"Mwah!"
"It's nine o'clock!"
"-----------"
Another poke.
"I'M AWAKE!"
"..... mmmm. You'll miss breakfast."
Ten minutes later she is there - in the flesh but not in spirit. An hour and a half later they leave and venture forth to the Farmer's Market (two butchers, two cake stands) and the sweet shop (for fruit liquorice). The weather is overcast with spits of icy rain, as soon as they leave the road it tries harder, forcing them both into the exquisite torture that is putting on overtrousers. As soon ("soon" here being a relative term, including hopping, banging elbows on dry stone walls and cursing) as they are on - it stops - naturally, c'est normal as they say in/en France. There is a moment's unspoken consultation - conclusion - "Bollocks to that for a game of soldiers!", and they continue, backtracking yesterday's route and then ascending Mam Tor via the erosion-dampening steps. At the summit, the Captain points to the weather tracking in from Kinderscout, a few moments later it hits them, 40+ miles per hour (64+ KPH) winds laden with fine rain and spiky hail. The Captain tries to see how many degrees of lean he can get, when he attempts the same leaning back into the wind he notices that his partner in crime has hit the deck, the gust has caught the sail of her pack and punched a large dint in her confidence. He hunkers and explains an old mountain man technique (the technique not the man), the problem with OMMT's is that is that they require the invasion of Liz's personal space, something that has only been successfully achieved by her husband. The Captain explains that in order to get out of the wind they will have to progress and that the best way to progress is to link arms, and battle forward, he assures her that while the view over the Derbyshire Dales from her personal ascent may be breathtaking, there will be considerably more breath taken from her on landing, and that it probably won't be returned. He also invokes the biscuits that are in her pack, and that can't be accessed until they are out of the wind, and the ridicule that she will be subjected to by hardy Northerners if she crawls. They link arms and ten paces later are in the lee of the slope, though it is still quite exciting to stick a stick above their heads to pick up the actual wind. There follows a squally procession along the ridge until they find a wall that is tall and sturdy enough to give cover for the biscuit stop. Then on to Back tor where they turn into the, now moderated, wind, descend to the valley bottom and the Youth Hostel at Edale.
The YH at Edale is not as nice as the one at Castleton, a spotty youth (whom the Captain will see later at the kitchen door in his Chef's duds having a quick break from culinary masterdom via a cigarette) signs them in . They ensconce and head off to the "town", only losing the footpath once (the marker was hidden behind the marker that said "Footpath"). Another Nags Head (1577) is full of families, they order a half of the 1577 (5.7% probably OG of 1057 a favourite brewers joke) for Liz, and a pint of Black (3.5%) for the Captain. Afterwards the Captain is convinced that the heads on the pumps were the wrong way round for when he staggers further into town looking for the other pub they find the Mountain Rescue team on their third call-out of the day, with them there is a rescue dog, one of those in-bred Border Collies that have thrown one blue and one brown eye. Having ascertained his nature, the Captain assaults him both physically and emotionally.
"Have you got a wall-eye, have you, have you? You have. Whose got a wall-eye? Yes, you have!"
Liz is both horrified and delighted: horrified as she can see the Captain on the wards,"Whose got diabetes? You have, yes you have!", delighted for she knows that she can, and will, use this against him for several months, probably at least ninety. "Yes, whose got rogue genes? Now then can you tell me where the other pub is?" The dog can't but it's bemused owner can, having ascertained directions they try it out, it is far superior to the first one, and features beers from Thornbridge Brewery, of which they have a small sample. They return to the Hostel for dinner, it is average (if that) but features Cauliflower and Broccoli soup, which appears to be what you get if you boil cauliflower and broccoli for too long.
A brief discursion into YH meals, why on earth, when people are sleeping in dorms, do you have cauliflower and broccoli soup, lentil cottage pie and vegetable curry?
The pair play some more cards and head off to bed.
The next day, and Liz has not booked breakfast, at breakfast time Liz wishes she had booked breakfast, so buys eggs, a tea bag and a loaf of bread, they give half of the loaf to some other kitchen users and receive a slab of moderately frozen turkey in return. After that they set off to walk to the station at Hope along the old Roman road route along the tops. This is a mountain bikers route and is full of pairs of mountain bikers, they always seem to come in pairs: Adonis accompanied by Bacchus. Adonis cycles past, "Good Morning! What a breezy day, do you think it will cheer up later?". Several minutes later and here come Bacchus, rubicund, blowing, hunched, "Ark!"
It's as if Adonis invited out his fat mate to make him look good - surely not.
At Hope, the tea shop is investigated for tea-cakes, they have some and some tea, then the station is investigated for trains, they also have some, finally Sheffield is investigated for pubs, a result, they have several, and the Station Tap is run by Thornbridge - hoorah!
On returning to London, there are no tubes, life has returned to normal.
* I'd just like to say that I was there when Liz became a woman, we were on a bike ride together and went past a family, one child turned to the other and said, "Did you see that woman on the bicycle?" the first time Liz had ever been addressed as anything but a girl (insults apart). She has moped ever since. "Whose a woman? You are, yes you are - a woman. Yes."
